hymnless

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There was a special kind of magic at the Kesha concert I went to last month. It was the first time in my life that I was comfortable in a mosh pit (thanks, SSRIs, you da bomb), a time where I got to reconnect with a dear friend of mine, and a time I got to see my idol live, less than twenty feet in front of me.

I’ve always loved Kesha. Way back in the days where she still was Ke$ha, her music was a rebellious escape from my life, something that I listened to when I was tired of, well, pretty much everything. Warrior, for a long time, was my anthem.

Then she went dark, and then there was that whole fiasco with Dr. Dick-I mean Dr. Luke, and there was no new music for about five years.

Then came the absolute gift that is Rainbow. I ADORE that album. It’s still got flavors of the old Ke-dollar sign-ha (here’s that reference), but it’s gained a maturity that really speaks to me. (The blow music video – that link above – is actual GOLD. Classic Kesha weirdness.)

One of my favorite songs on the album is called Hymn for the Hymnless, and the title is very self-explanatory. It’s an anthem for the kids who never fit in, for the loners, the introverts, the kids who stuck out and hid in the background.

Kids like me.

I never fit in – not in middle school, not in high school, and lowkey not in college but that doesn’t matter. I’m not trying to seek your pity – far from that. I’m just pointing it out. I’m an introvert. I have my few close friends, and I’m happy with them.

I always walked the line, though, between being alone and being lonely. Being an introvert and being isolated. It’s a difficult feat to find a place to belong, made even more difficult by the fact that my Anxiety Brain loves to sabotage me at every turn.

But man, oh man, that Kesha concert. There, standing next to my bestie, covered in glitter and singing my heart out – that was where I belonged. That was where I could dance like crazy and sing really loudly and be myself, because that’s what Kesha’s music has always enabled me to do. There, Anxiety Brain went and got lost, and I was fearless, and it was awesome.

I just remember closing my eyes when Kesha played Hymn for the Hymnless, singing along, and feeling so peaceful and beautiful and accepted. Maybe I never fit in in high school, but I know I have a place, and that place is as one of Kesha’s animals, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So yeah. This is basically a love letter to my queen, Kesha. I’d go back to that night if I could and stay there forever.

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P.S. if it wasn’t obvious already, I really, really love Kesha. big-time. BIG TIME. Here are some pics of the queen in person. I’d post more, but lots of them have my face in it, and as y’all know, I prefer to remain anonymous.